Frostlich1228
Well-Known Member
With my Application I wanted to make a character that puts a New Spin on the Whole "Tough, Former Soldier Thing. "
X-COM THINK TANK (Out of Character Discussion about X-COM and the Series)
- Thread starter ChristopherOdd
- Start date
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Adrammalech
Well-Known Member
I skimmed through a few of the requests in the last page, writing down my thoughts as I went along.
One mistake I saw that recurred is to/too, you may want to keep an eye on that in future posts (don't worry, I have the same problem with it's/its). Other than that, it's good in the grammar sector. There were a lot of sections to keep track of, I think a little more labelling would help the presentation. I think the weak link was the scrapbooking section, it was rather brief and superfluous in the context of the recruitment center. However, moving forward, it could have a lot of use in the journals where you could bring it up those experiences more fluidly and in detail.
Storywise, the only thing that confused me was the character's father. It's possible I misunderstood this part. The village he lived in had violent fundamentalists in it with the same alignment as his father. I assumed from that that the father either was one of them or was at least okay with living around them, which is why I didn't understand why he tried to dissuade his son from a path of violence. Complaints aside, your grammar and spelling is mostly solid and you have an interesting backstory and character to launch from. I think you have a lot of potential here.
This was quite a long post! I didn't see any recurring problems with spelling and grammar, so that's good. I liked the point of view especially, the exposition and interspersed realizations or exclamations helped build a solid picture of the character while still showing off his credentials.
Your character is well-described and believable, which is always good. That said, there is always a line to toe between being believable and being boring. If I had to have something to pick on, I'd say that the character doesn't appear to have any overt flaws (other than maybe being too humble, if you can call that a flaw), and I would hope you have some things up your sleeve come journal time because from a writing standpoint it looks pretty promising.
The grammar, spelling, and presentation are solid here as well, I have nothing glaring to point out. The only thing I have to criticize is that some of the "transitions" in his life seem to be a little brief - how he jumped from the UK, to Ireland, then France isn't expounded that well, and if money was tight, the methods used and perils fought in those journeys might be worth talking about. That said, there's nothing wrong with brevity, and you still have the opportunity to reflect on it in the journals if you want. The synopsis on the end from the psychologist is good and can lead to some interesting things when your soldier is in the field.
Wow, Critiques everywhere.I'd appreciate if someone were to critique mine if possible. I've gotta start getting ready to go to work so I can do short responses from my phone, but I like looking over profiles and hearing what people were thinking about when creating them so this is great.
One mistake I saw that recurred is to/too, you may want to keep an eye on that in future posts (don't worry, I have the same problem with it's/its). Other than that, it's good in the grammar sector. There were a lot of sections to keep track of, I think a little more labelling would help the presentation. I think the weak link was the scrapbooking section, it was rather brief and superfluous in the context of the recruitment center. However, moving forward, it could have a lot of use in the journals where you could bring it up those experiences more fluidly and in detail.
Storywise, the only thing that confused me was the character's father. It's possible I misunderstood this part. The village he lived in had violent fundamentalists in it with the same alignment as his father. I assumed from that that the father either was one of them or was at least okay with living around them, which is why I didn't understand why he tried to dissuade his son from a path of violence. Complaints aside, your grammar and spelling is mostly solid and you have an interesting backstory and character to launch from. I think you have a lot of potential here.
This was quite a long post! I didn't see any recurring problems with spelling and grammar, so that's good. I liked the point of view especially, the exposition and interspersed realizations or exclamations helped build a solid picture of the character while still showing off his credentials.
Your character is well-described and believable, which is always good. That said, there is always a line to toe between being believable and being boring. If I had to have something to pick on, I'd say that the character doesn't appear to have any overt flaws (other than maybe being too humble, if you can call that a flaw), and I would hope you have some things up your sleeve come journal time because from a writing standpoint it looks pretty promising.
The grammar, spelling, and presentation are solid here as well, I have nothing glaring to point out. The only thing I have to criticize is that some of the "transitions" in his life seem to be a little brief - how he jumped from the UK, to Ireland, then France isn't expounded that well, and if money was tight, the methods used and perils fought in those journeys might be worth talking about. That said, there's nothing wrong with brevity, and you still have the opportunity to reflect on it in the journals if you want. The synopsis on the end from the psychologist is good and can lead to some interesting things when your soldier is in the field.
Cpt. Lokken's Moustache
Member
Well I wasn't going to fish, but since everyone else is doing it, I'll hop on the bandwagon. Critique for Tariq?
Discopanda
Member
You didn't dedicate a single sentence to describing Tariq's moustache. 1/10 moustache description.Well I wasn't going to fish, but since everyone else is doing it, I'll hop on the bandwagon. Critique for Tariq?
Other than that, it was really good. You gave a good insight into Tariq's character, motivation, and history without clubbing us over the head with reams of backstory.
GRAPHICS: 8.7/10
SOUND: 5/10
GAMEPLAY: 7.8/10
MOUSTACHE FACTOR: 1/10
OVERALL: pretty good i guess
Cpt. Lokken's Moustache
Member
You didn't dedicate a single sentence to describing Tariq's moustache. 1/10 moustache description.
Other than that, it was really good. You gave a good insight into Tariq's character, motivation, and history without clubbing us over the head with reams of backstory.
GRAPHICS: 8.7/10
SOUND: 5/10
GAMEPLAY: 7.8/10
MOUSTACHE FACTOR: 1/10
OVERALL: pretty good i guess
Man, how do you even know he has a moustache? How do you even know!?
Ok, I mean, yeah, he totally does. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW HE LOVES YOU? HOW DO YOU KNOOOOOOW HE'S YOURS?
UltimaNamir
Member
If people are still critiquing applications, could you give mine a look over? I know its bad, just tryin to pin down what to improve for next season.
Sypher.Anthem
Member
Thanks a lot. Funny that you bring it up since that's always a problem that sneaks back into my writing. On the list of places that form his scrapbook, it was just to consolidate the fact that his service mainly focuses on his unit being one that deploys to a lot of places and how that ties into him wanting to experience more things culturally. As you can probably tell by its patchwork placement though it was a last minute add. His village wasn't actually part of the violence in the area, but because it right along one of the routes to get to the violent ones, it was only standard to take precaution against every village they came upon. The religious sect they believed in preached non violence for all sides and why their village was so isolated to avoid external influences. Being something his father grew up with he was without a clue on to stop the influence from affecting son beyond locking him up.
Dragonivon
Active Member
Well I wasn't going to fish, but since everyone else is doing it, I'll hop on the bandwagon. Critique for Tariq?
You already know my opinion. But yes, we need more descriptions of your moustache. And be sure to request of CommanderOdd a suitably appropriate moustache for your character and not hide it under a helmet no matter what.
Discopanda
Member
It's fairly detailed and easy to read, but a little bit dry. Instead of listing the events that occurred to your character, think about why those events were important to your character's development. You also wrote several sentences about the fairly trivial details of how Tyler earned his "Slender" nickname, which, IMHO, could have been listed in the footnotes or at some point in-character in the future. As it stands, it seems like you're implying that the paintball game where he earned his nickname was just as important to his development as the mission where he lost his spotter.
I understand that the single-post application makes it tempting to over-share details on your character, but resist! RESIST, ULTIMANAMIR! You should also use more paragraphs in the body, it was kind of a giant block of text.
Thanks a ton for the evaluation, and you're exactly right. I was so focused on building a back story that I didn't think to write in character flaws to the application. If I'm accepted, it'll definitely come into play when we're all writing the journals.
Also, "1/10 moustache description" lel. Real soldiers need full beards, because full beards are just tougher moustaches.
Cpt. Lokken's Moustache
Member
Full beards are potential moustaches that are just trying way too hard. It's embarrassing. They should chill.
Meaningofbread
Well-Known Member
I think it might be the law anyways.
Dragonivon
Active Member
JuliaMaluca
Member
Dear ChristopherOdd, I have to retract my application. I learned today that I have to undergo some surgery within the next 10 days, and since the hospital specialized in the field is on the other side of the country, I won't be online much. Furthermore, since the surgery's in my left hand, I won't be able to type (properly and more than a few sentences), spin, play on the PC or even grumble tie my shoes for several weeks. I'm in gamers hell...
Frostlich1228
Well-Known Member
Aww I really wish you luck
I'm sure he'll let you wait to put up your first post or something
Discopanda
Member
You can narrate your journal entries! Like Orson Welles!
RP_OP(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
New Member
I know everyone's busy, but could someone spare some time to make a critique of my character? On page 7.
I really think I could have improved it somehow, but I feel like I'm missing some key understandings in order to realize it.
I really think I could have improved it somehow, but I feel like I'm missing some key understandings in order to realize it.
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